public questions about ordination

or why everywhere I go someone got something to say.

this time someone bought me a drink. the women with the men who do too much always make them buy me whatever I'm having. remember my shoddy depth perception. inch, mile, kilometer, shoulder, blade. I appreciate restraint in public. No one would ever accuse me of subtly. I am prettier than I am nice. My most reliable frustration is repeating myself. I eavesdrop to prevent my feedback from becoming be-bop. fool myself out of worry. I love when it works but I can't complain about anything. It works now. I used to be more worried about even the slightest comforts. I practice teaching men to accept compliments. I tell myself I've mastered the art.

the biggest difference between fluff & gruff is less about meat & more about might. I hated that. The biggest difference between talent & success is an empty platitude. this summer wasn't supposed to teach me anything & I almost forgot. I almost called the fragility that thundered me awake a penance for failure. my biggest defense against emotional turmoil is my fetish for martyrdom. maybe she really did give it her all? maybe I have an all to give. at the apex of weakness & willpower is the desire to figure out how to be forever. not the matter at hand but all matter meaning something. The biggest difference between urgency & memory is who is believing in what at which time. I will hate that more later & that was my second time attempting that statement. a raspberry balsamic lesson. semi-sweet dessert. would recommend.

I must begin this bit by saying there is nothing inherently wrong with neighbors. still, neighborhoods are a colonial concept built from class politics & isolation. or I hate the politeness of being watched by people needing to figure out why such a singular being has infiltrated "their" spot. a buzzword, in these parts, is invasive species. if you think about it, we are in the most livable part of the geography. the summer has meant more outside which thankfully feels easier & easier. reparations is a buzzword. I do like to receive sometimes. owe & owed are buzzing. ownership can help but remind me of theft. so I imagine the less I own the less can be taken from me. I want to believe I only expect attention & that may be true. I want what I have to mean something or at leave get me somewhere meaningful. want material meaning.

I've started believing what I get is exclusively above my paygrade. I am indebted to daily grace. responsible most for gratitude. I have been sleeping differently. time has been pleasantly corresponsive. I don't have an epistolary to send off. I am telling you because I must know myself. making do of tantrum & seemingly arbitrary politics.