whatever we call balance seems grossly inaccurate.

or I can't take good things the right way nor understand good & right meaningful directions to receive.

got some truly good news. have gotten bits of good news. but one was able to reveal the first as also good in another way. well, I knew it was "good" & still, it was a good thing that will require personal work of limited (though extremely tangible & appreciated) benefit. but this new news is a gift in many ways. though not in the objective ones. it's an honoring. a recognition. one newly created & unapplied for. it's cosmic & kind. & timely. & if you know me (now, as usual, though always relatively), I have been sad. in the most recent weather patterns of these feelings, I've been actively placating them with rituals of gratitude. I worried that I was going through motions. I am going through motions. we are aware of the motions. I mean this news reminds me I am not unseen. my motions create necessary & visible wavelengths of a spectrum that render me & my work needed. it's good news. it was a surprise.

when i [redated] to the [redacted] he [redacted] me.

I have been sad for a variety of recent reasons. some feel actually new which makes them wetter & richer. but some of the sadnesses wash up from unknown trenches I claim as my deepest parts & I only know them for how they have mystified every version of me before. the metaphor here is of our own ignorance of the oceans & like both we & the ocean I'm tired of being articulated in relationship to sickness like time negotiates with anything. I'm grieving for Faith, a Black trans woman, who's boyfriend committed suicide after she fled his abuse. The media has twisted her story because he was publically vilified for dating a trans woman & it does shed light on the way all (Black) cisgender people contribute uniquely to Black Trans death, but the centering of Faith's partner has erased the abuse she suffered. The reality is Black Trans Women die most often by their partners. They are dying at the hands of Black men. Still in this situation, as many online have pointed out, his public defense of being with her was coupled with private torment of her & that is not a necessary person to pedestal. Our grief should be with her.

I am looking forward to loving someone who loves me. I wish love for every Black Trans Gxrl, Boi, person, being. I wish love for EVERY BLACK WOMAN. I wish love for Black men. I wish love for all who it is most dangerous. I wish the danger could live where it begins. outside of us.