I've taken on a protege. I'm enveloping them into my collection of artists & creators. I am part of an expansion. more reductively, I'm learning new ways to be a friend. I'm cast in a new role. I finally feel fit. while my imagination has been lacking as of late, I've felt much more tied to this reality than ever before. I focus differently. I have new shades of patience. I am consumed less by wandering eye but I've also been inside more as of late. approaching a year in this new home & I have so much to show for it.
I can only report so much. when my father calls I never know where to begin. I still have managed to tell him nothing important. every so often I imagine just one day inviting him to my wedding out of the blue. I'd always assume he'd come. we do get along, I just get tired during our conversations. He taught me the meaning of semantics wrong & I used it against him until I was almost grown. I haven't used his name in so long, it feels performative to ask permission to change it. my mother is already thinking of my passport. I am thinking of the cost & the courtroom & the legal petition to be the other name my mother named me.
all the children in my life know that I'm a woman. I am the semi-metaphor of an auntie to a squad of bright young beauties. The fairy godmother of bustling school kids. I respond to innocence even when earnest. I believe in preserving joy. I never have the answer before being asked a question, but so many return to me.
in recent days, I've needed my way into small comforts. my desire feels so less fraught. I'm not enamored by certain longings. there is more pumping through my blood than need right now. that is not to imply a lack of want but a want of a gentler kind. I am loving the man I love less or differently rather. I want time & desire a love who wants to give it.