or can we please stop the concerted effort to illuminate how simple we've become?
|Aug 28||Public post|| 1|
this summer has been punctuated by a propensity of petty yet personal plagues of complete incompetence. there is something in the air. even [redacted] is making me angry, only a little bit in a way that isn't like him. every inch I give is mile-deep somehow. or I end up at the bottom of a trench with an inch sized hole at the top. there is no more successful version of me. everything I do is for the first time or all my failures are unique in that only I can suffer in them so sweetly. there is no use in working hard & most of my friends say I'm the hardest working person they know. I think the man I love believes that I sit around twiddling my thumbs & cry about my feelings. I am tired of my time being wasted & anyone believing it should be or that I have it to waste. I don't adore productivity mostly because it doesn't show up clearly on my screen. it's a copyrighting green series of glyphs. I haven't taken a pill in years. I have decoded certain failings of this reality. the individual is at best relative to any larger operating system & none of us will ever be fully held responsible for all we corrupt during our processing.
I shut down so easily now. I get embarrassed with how immediate & dynamic my ability to stay engaged can become. I woke up angrier than I went to sleep but also was able to leash it. doesn't mean it's not still tugging just that now my arms feel tied up in a direction I am not forced to go. but a beast on a leash means I have it on some sort of collar. my anger is more of a bracelet. a broken gold watch. green noise sometimes filters in parts of the cityscape but it's mostly the sound of water through trees. this river valley is the homiest home I've known. the first place I've lived since wanting to live & loved it. & I find new crashes in my system. my entire mainframe is being updated in real-time.
revisiting my spread for the summer basically revealed I am in a mechanical milestone making way for what Saturn is returning to me with. I've been trying to be better & for me, it works. better meaning honest. continually more honest. real-time. real-time. real-time. honest. say what one means. I'm trying. if I am not of an intelligent generation than why is your pumping us with opioids & hate comments on youtube. glissantbot said: "When they catch up with us, it could well be to explore the traces of what has already happened." depending on who you ask we are in the same generation but you don't believe that. I love being called a doll.