it's already getting darker faster

or waiting by the window teaches patience, regardless of intent.

my addictions were never about the rush. I had made a life of numb symphony never having to feel it all at any one point. I thought I was so good of detecting difference in sense deprivation. I wasn't. all my needs are tactile & soaking them does no trick. my eyes adjust to light & faces slower at night. I miss lingering in bars still.

a goblin packs his chariot & has been for weeks. can a succubus ever know hunger truly? I fear my most parasitic tendencies & fear them in others. a wall of dense nothing somehow rising & crumbling of its own volition. every entitled heir to a service industry exploitation must be able to disappear for 7 years & return to mediocrity & still wealth. or if everything a goblin says is a lie the truth won't know itself in the mirror. a goblin, companion in tow, together with a seedless mystery of compromise & fortitude. I a bitter because he is a kind comfortable I will never be. not so comfortable I can be a whole goblin but his ghoulishness is cultivated. not all dolts descend to the depth of insidious debasement this dumbass distributes.

I'm afraid to answer my favorite twitter mutuals astrology questions. I think of all the things I believed as a child. I wonder when I started to really get into the headiness of it all. maybe on a plane that one time as a child I had to face if it went down & I started crying. I used to use that in theater as my motivation for tears on command. now so many new & fucked things make me cry.

I'm learning more about weaponry in my adulthood. all the men close to me have them. I am. under mattress. purse. around. weapon. I had to leave my favorite knife outside the airport. I almost forgot about it. a gospel song & club banger share the same name. I do this new thing where if I get clothes I buy two things so I can wear one immediately but then actually save the other for a special occasion. I have this amazing black cocktail number that y'all not ready for.