careless whisper shouldn't speak to me the way it does
... or what began as gratitude has blossomed into grace.
eye contact is not the only way to make vulnerable. it is the most effective way for me to feel something immediately. I'm not one to panic but my pleasure in looking can look embarrassing on my face. my thirst reads as ambitious. how boring.
i stopped keeping a personal account of every gaze that traces my figure -- at least the ones i catch looking. i can't ever remember feeling any one particular way about being impossibly conspicuous. i over indulge in the fraught attention i was afforded growing up. i as allowed all my joys, hurts, & otherwisers. taking all the space they needed. I didn't know how to hold all of them. but i always saw their magnitude. there can only ever be so much space between you & your body.
things i'm recognizing: i'm grown. this man's jawline has been in a dream of mine. not all matcha lattes taste the same. i have time. i wake up happy. i am generally happy. nothing is better. i still get lonely.
the man i loves say i am the kind of woman he wants, busy -- not waiting around. i question if i make time or just feel more. i am busy. never not between some-thing. i can tell him all i do. i know where he goes when he is away from me. this is mostly irrelevant but all this is about what feels good nowadays.
i tell all my nieces & nephews that we are cycled through scenes of disfigured possibility. each of our struggled can harmonize with each other. i tell all my nieces & nephews i am as broken as they are. the sickness of want is a cure to living or some inverse parallel song. i tell all my children my dirt grows in my stomach first.
i have nostalgia for so little. i feel like i'm rediscovering the boxes I've been keeping all my memories. mangled. boxes. container feels somehow both more & less fragile than my contents.
what does it mean to consistently show up for me? because i feel the closes I've ever been to my body. i see the sweet-hurt in others because i speak to my own every night before bed.
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