"awake, I don't conflate touch with knowledge"

or the world moves so beautifully regardless of me.

every pair of people dance around each other to the tune of relational gravity. I love to watch people listening to someone speak to them. the small gestures a face makes while intaking information. every two people discuss power with their bodies first. the space between, where weight is shifted. all before material contact. the man I love one named what exists between us gravity. His friends have stopped shaking my hand & almost exclusively hug me. I know better than holding touch as a sign of closeness. I love many things from a distance. I touch so many things that only love me so much.

I am trying to find more things satisfactory. today I danced to my own music. I've made things available on all streaming platforms. I'm an electronic musician & have been for a while now. Semi-related: there don't appear to be any poems in me. no spells either, I guess. just time & a desire to melt into greatness. I like my music. I entertain myself first, so I'm never surprised when my meticulous dialogue & stage directions are lost on the average audience member. I'm convinced, still, the less you know about me the easier it is to stay around. I'm a bummer insofar as I care about everything the wrong way. wrong here meaning out of time, without warning, & after too much.

I shouldn't hate public matches of chess, but I do. a game, unlike a dream, tells you who has to be what at all times. or maybe it's the public performance of specialized skillset. It's a wargame used as a placeholder for arbitrary metrics of strategic intelligence. I'll admit being too lazy to ever be competitive. It stems, however, from a highly contested sense of incomparability. no one will ever be a better me than me, I'm either what you want or not. I'm not the lead in every dance but enjoy sweeping my partner off their feet.

still majorly dreamless, trying to maintain eating, some might still looming. I most want a breath of security. a kind of lingering stability to propel me to greater comforts. I need help presently. I keep pretending asking isn't some existential failure. I am just past the fetish of wanting & the exhibition of what I deserve is curated to benefit me alone.

my favorite place to go is always crowded now. I tell "coffee-dad": the critical mass has been reached. popularity is deserved. I don't mind staying home more.

*title is a quote from Xandria Phillips, buy their poetry collection, Hull.

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